50 Homer Simpson jokes

  1. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  2. Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
  3. Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
  4. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
  5. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
  6. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
  7. Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
  8. Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’
  9. Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
  10. Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
  11. You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
  12. Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
  13. When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
  14. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
  15. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
  16. [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
  17. What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
  18. Marge, you’re as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
  19. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  20. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
  21. When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
  22. I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
  23. Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
  24. I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?
  25. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
  26. It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
  27. Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
  28. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
  29. Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
  30. Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
  31. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
  32. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
  33. Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
  34. Homer no function beer well without.
  35. I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.
  36. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
  37. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.
  38. I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.
  39. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
  40. [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You-are-gay.’
  41. All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
  42. Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.
  43. But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
  44. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
  45. Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
  46. That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
  47. Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
  48. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing
  49. I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
  50. ‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?
Chocolate as art, Cute baby stills, Early computer and software ads, Mother-in-law’s choice, Amuzing sandwiches, Explain THAT to your insurance company, Food sculptures, Windows, In-laws, Computers contrast, Worlds smartest man, 7 things that would happen if you were a computer, Talented engineer, 30 signs that technology has taken over your life, Microsoft landing, Golfing, 19 recommendations from men to women, Careful what you wish for, If men were in charge of weddings, Two new additions to periodic table of elements, 29 rules of dating for women, Women talking, men hearing, Doctor’s help, How to read personal ads from women, Guest at a hotel, First date, Death Row in Women’s Prison, 12 things men know, Top male occupations, Car accident, What guys really mean, Las Vegas, Why married couples do not have sex, Letter from Wal-Mart, Dusty Underwear, Men and Women, Soup, Anniversary, University, New studio, Solid marriage, At the altar, Chances to get married, One kiss, Injury, 35 Predictions from 50’s, Top 10 signs your company is going to downsize, Top 10 signs you have eaten too much, 23 headlines of 2050, 53 signs you might have a drinking problem, 39 Headlines of the year, Let’s kill a bicycle repairman, 36 world’s smallest books, Commuting to work, Florist mixup, Job interview, Jamaica, The Weigh Scale, An expensive barbie doll, Psychology class, New driving test, Beautiful nature? No, just food, 34 Pacific Northwest jokes, 16 Montana rules, You know it’s July in Florida, Public school teacher, Great experiment, Laboratory, Thermometer, Poor man’s virus, Being old has some perks, Wrong bank, Definition of words used by women, 21 reasons why men are happier, Thoughtful husband, Four food groups for students, Gentlemen quiz, Blonde at a strip mall, Car hangers, Beach exercise, Wal-Mart announces house brand wine, Journey on a train carriage, Divorced barbie, Anxious cab driver, 75 things to do in a car, 8 Ways to be annoying in Australia, 554 ways to be annoying, Before and after marriage, Stoping a taxi, Eleven new drugs for women, Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary, The ten most wanted men, Think you have a cold day?, Secluded vacation, Witty ads from around the world, Cute babies, Perfect timing!, 15 ways to tell if someone is a teenager, Texas justice, 12 Lawyer Joke, Josh Groban | Noel

3 Replies

  1. JMilton

    Mar 15th, 2007 at 4:19 am

    dont forget: Trying is the first step towards failure

  2. Habit Guy

    Sep 21st, 2007 at 10:32 am

    My favorite:

    “Bart, your mother makes a very loud point.”

  1. 1 Ashutosh Nilkanth’s Blog » Our Fence of Humor Pingback on Sep 12th, 2007 at 4:06 pm

    [...] this completely, and that can often make them land in a pit. Even the thought of Homer Simpson saying “I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!” [...]

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