1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it’s never used.
2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a
women?
Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already
there.
4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same
time,who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.
5. How are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word either one of them says and they both
last about 60 seconds.
6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a
bikini.
7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
8. What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
10. What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
11. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
12. If men got pregnant ….
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available
in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
13. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
14. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
15. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake
the stove.
16. How do men sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable.”
17. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
18. What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, “Great chili, Babe!”
19. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of
35 think of?
Dating children.
20. What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
21. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
22. Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
23. How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
24. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the
circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.
25. What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.
26. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
Exchange him.
27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
28. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half
the time.
29. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
30. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
31. What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
32.Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
33. What's a mans idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
34. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a U.F.O.?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
35. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet
36. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
They don't stop for directions
37. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
38. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND .......
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
39. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ...... AND .......
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
40. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
41.All men are extremely busy.
Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
Although they have time for women, they don’t really care for them.
Although they don’t really care for them, they always have one around.
Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the first woman leaves them.
Although the woman leaves them they still don’t learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
42.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One . . . . . men will screw anything.
43. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
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