The Things That Prove You Are A New Yorker
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
5. The subway makes sense.
6. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
7. You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple”.
8. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
9. You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard.
10. You consider Westchester “Upstate”.
11. You think Central Park is “nature.”
12. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer’s speaking.
13. You’re paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and
you think it’s a “steal.”
14. You’ve been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
15. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the
U.S. pay in rent.
16. You haven’t seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you
went away to camp as a kid.
17. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
18. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
19. You haven’t heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.
20. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
21. You take fashion seriously.
22. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
23. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
24. Going to Brooklyn is considered a “road trip.”
25. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
26. You’ve gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
27. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
28. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your
29. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
30. You have a minimum of five “worst cab ride ever” stories.
31. You don’t hear sirens anymore.
32. You’ve mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city’s air quality
and what it’s doing to your lungs.
33. You live in a building with a larger population than most American
34. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is
Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your
favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the
watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.