The Facts of Life

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. Paul’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.
17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.