Short Lawyer Jokes
Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start!
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Q. What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.
Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?
Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.
Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.
Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1. Back over him to make sure.
A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t?
A. The bucket.
Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q. What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A. There was an empty seat.
Q. What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can’t understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop fucking you when you’re dead.
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What’s brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down their good.
Q. What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One’s a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.
Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.