Golfing

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place. First Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.” Second Guy: […] more…

19 recommendations from men to women

Never buy a ‘new’ brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’ If we’re in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn’t mean we’re not watching it. Don’t tell anyone we can’t afford a new car. Tell them we don’t want one. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you […] more…

Careful what you wish for

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man. “Sounds […] more…

If men were in charge of weddings

1. There would be a “Rehearsal Kegger” rather than a “Rehearsal Dinner.” 2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jeans cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines. 3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. (My fiance threatened to have his and his […] more…

Two new additions to periodic table of elements

Element name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic weight: (don’t even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able […] more…

Women talking, men hearing

What a Woman Says: “This place is a mess! C’mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don’t do laundry right now you’ll have no clothes to wear.” What a Man Hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, […] more…

Doctor’s help

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a […] more…

How to read personal ads from women

40-ish…………………………49 Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends Athletic……………………….No boobs Average looking……………..Ugly Beautiful………………………Pathological liar Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure…………..On medication Feminist……………………….Fat Free spirit……………………..Junkie Friendship first……………….Former slut Fun…………………………….Annoying Gentle…………………………Dull New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded…………………Desperate Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk Poet……………………………Depressive Professional…………………..Bitch Romantic………………………Frigid Voluptuous……………………Very Fat Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker Widow…………………………Murderer more…

Guest at a hotel

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold […] more…

First date

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a goodnight kiss?” Horrified, she […] more…

Death Row in Women’s Prison

Three women are about to be executed. One”s a brunette, one”s a redhead, and one”s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim…” Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!” Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the […] more…

12 things men know

Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house. Men know that if she looks like your mother, run. Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the […] more…

Top male occupations

The Doctor because he says, “Take off your clothes” The Dentist because he says, “Open Wide” The Hairdresser because he says, “Do you want it teased or blown” The Milkman because he says, “Do you want it in front or in back?” The Interior Decorator because he says, “Once you have it all in, you’ll […] more…

Car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must […] more…

What guys really mean

When you catch a guy glancing at you, he’s actually wondering what you look like naked. When a guy bumps into your arm while walking with you, it means your too damn close so back up 3 steps. When a guy wants a hug he’ll go to the nudy bar and buy a lap dance. When u break a […] more…

Las Vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. Where are you going? he asked. To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free! The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. […] more…

Why married couples do not have sex

Dear Wife, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were just cleaned 17 times it was too […] more…

Letter from Wal-Mart

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart: Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past […] more…

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning […] more…

Men and Women

Relationships When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a […] more…

Soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?” “Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied. “I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?” more…

Anniversary

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.” “But, madam!”, replied […] more…

University

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?” The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or […] more…

New studio

Nan: How do you like your new studio apartment? Dan: I have no room for complaint. more…

Solid marriage

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. “Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I […] more…

At the altar

The bride came down the aisle. When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. “What are your golf clubs doing here?” she asked indignantly. He looked her right in the eye–and said, “Well, this isn’t going to take all day, is it?” more…

Chances to get married

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing. “Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend. “Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.” more…

One kiss

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his […] more…

Injury

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, “…and then she hit me with a maple leaf.” “A […] more…

35 Predictions from 50′s

“I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its’ going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.” “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.” “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m […] more…

Top 10 signs your company is going to downsize

Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator”. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters. Company President now driving a Ford Escort. Annual […] more…

Top 10 signs you have eaten too much

You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker Strangers keep addressing you as “Mr. President” This morning, […] more…

23 headlines of 2050

Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were “Just For Fun” Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. “This Is True Love,” He Beams. […] more…

53 signs you might have a drinking problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely […] more…

39 Headlines of the year

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. […] more…

Let’s kill a bicycle repairman

President Bush and Dick Cheney, were sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?”The barman looks over and confirms, “Yep, that’s them.” So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”Bush checks […] more…

36 world’s smallest books

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers The Australian Book of Foreplay The Book of Motivated Postal Workers Americans’ Guide to Etiquette The World Guide to Good American Beer Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages Safe Places to Travel in the USA Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction Contraception […] more…

Commuting to work

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the […] more…

Florist mixup

A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read: SINCEREST SYMPATHIES. The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the […] more…

Job interview

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. “I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from […] more…

Jamaica

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in […] more…

The Weigh Scale

Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. “Whatever you do,” cautioned one youngster to the other, “Don’t step on it!” “Why not?” asked the sibling. “Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!” more…

An expensive barbie doll

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?” The Manager replied, “Which one? We have, […] more…

Psychology class

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young […] more…

New driving test

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?” asks the police officer. “I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.” “Oh yeah? Let’s see you do it,” says the officer. So the juggler gets […] more…

Beautiful nature? No, just food

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34 Pacific Northwest jokes

You know the state flower is mildew. You know the state motto: “Rain? What rain?” You have a T-shirt that says, “200 Billion Slugs Can’t Be Wrong!” You use the term “sun break” and know what it means. You open the windows in the summer to let the warm air in. Your Early Girl tomatoes […] more…

16 Montana rules

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot. 2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. They are […] more…

You know it’s July in Florida

Hot water comes out of both taps. You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron. The trees are whistling for the dogs. You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window. The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. You burn your […] more…

Public school teacher

At New York’s Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator. The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is […] more…