Accountant – Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor – Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker – The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist – An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Statistician – Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary – Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Programmer – Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
Mathematician – A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.
Lawyer – A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief.”
Psychologist – A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Schoolteacher – A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Consultant – Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat – Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.