Men (One-Liners)

# Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

# If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two, He’ll be back to his usual self.

# A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
So she gets a divorce.

# Marriage certificate?
It’s just another name for her work permit.

# When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.

# “It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I will never forget that game of cards…”

# Men lie about their jobs, drive cars they can’t afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs, and say they want a “real woman”…
# Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a mans sex drive by 90 percent…. Wedding cake!!!

# Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

# If a man suggests that you take a break from vacuuming the living room and relax what it means is he can’t hear the TV

# If you think he’s listening to you, you’re wrong he’s trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation

# If a man had a thought in his head, it would get lonely!

# If men got pregnant…. abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

# Men are like roller coasters: when it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t… you can’t wait to throw up.

# Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator

# If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practicing.

# Scientist have finally discovered the chemical formula for Viagra.
1% Sodium
1% Iron
1% Phosphate
97% Fix-a-Flat

# Remember; you are known by the idiot you accompany

# Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

# Women don’t make fools of men most of them are the “do-it-yourself” types.

# The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you’re sick of him.

# The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

# If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.

# A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, “Oh alright, I’ll stay the night.”

# Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

# Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

# Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men a woman

# When God made Man, she was just kidding.

# If God had wanted men to be perfect, he’d have given them brains

# Men is proof even God makes mistakes

# Men? On the whole, I’d rather buy new batteries.

# Men read Playboy for the articles women go to malls for the music.

# Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.

# Men love sex with redheads, but their wives don’t appreciate it!

# Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win…they lose.

# Men of quality respect women’s equality.

# Men play the game. Women know the score.

# Flies spread disease, keep your’s zipped

# Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.

# Women are a pain in the ass, men are a pain EVERYWHERE!

# Men have a joystick whereas women just have a game port.

# Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

# Men, stupid? You’d be dense too if you had your brain in your pants!

# If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming way too high

# It was love at first sight. He walked by and I saw the twinkle in his eye.
I never knew that someone could be so in love with his own reflection in the mirror.

# Women are indeed silly, we sleep with men, who if they were women, we wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.

# Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.