Men and Women

A WOMEN’S PERSPECTIVE

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of5 thinks of having children. What does a man of5 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half
the time.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE

Why do men like love at first sight?
Because he knows it’s all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

A woman of5 thinks of having children. What does a man of5 think of?
How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
Their target audience is women.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A mute nymphomanic 8 year old girlfriend.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
Penis envy.

Why do women have mid-life crises?
Because Phil and Oprah say they’re supposed to.

How does a woman show she’s planning for the future?
Plastic Surgury.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Sex, stupid.

What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she’s God’s gift?
Trade her in for two 20 year olds.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Because they’re so rare.

What’s the difference between a wife and a job.
After 5 years, the job still sucks.

Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera?
Cause it’s the same tired old plot, year in and year out.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
They’re trying not to attract any more undue blame then they
already have.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
Biographies of Happy women

What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
None, they’re both the same, steadily increasing in value,
predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don’t understand
them.