Men and Women
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled â€œAll Men Are Idiotsâ€. Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, â€œI just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and Iâ€™ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and youâ€™re a total floozy. But I want you to know that thereâ€™s always a chance for usâ€. This is known as the â€œI Hate You / I Love Youâ€ drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their â€œiâ€™sâ€ with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their â€œpâ€™sâ€ and â€œgâ€™sâ€. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when sheâ€™s dumping you, sheâ€™ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical womanâ€™s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampettâ€™s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.Â Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
A woman, even if sheâ€™s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the â€œGimme the Ballâ€ number in â€œA Chorus Line.â€
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeupâ€¦
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arenâ€™t looking, men kick cats.
Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail etc. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of â€œLove, American Style.â€
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.
â€¦ and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though itâ€™s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiolaâ€™s head.
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, â€œLooks like Iâ€™ve found a new way to get there.â€ and, â€œI know Iâ€™m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store.â€
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of menâ€™s toys: little miniature TVâ€™s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 â€œDâ€ batteries to operate.
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Men take photography very seriously. Theyâ€™ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.