How do you know you’re a Russian in the US

  1. Your car costs more than your college education
  2. Your blood has a permanent vodka content level, no matter you have been drinking or not
  3. Any outfit you wear involves leather (even in the summer even when no coats are worn)
  4. Your idea of a normal Friday or Saturday night is spending it raving with 200-300 of your closest friends
  5. Your idea of a love song is Track 1 of the New York Underground Party Volume 3 CD.
  6. Things you can’t live without include food, water, and a cell phone
  7. Instead of notes during class you write text messages to your friends in Russian font
  8. You come home at 3am and your parents are still out partying with all your friend’s parents
  9. People are always asking you if you can get them a cheep deal on something…and you can
  10. Every sentence you say or hear starts with “blyat” and ends with “nahuy”
  11. You know the new line of Nokia’s 3 months before they come out on the market
  12. You can’t go to the movies on Sunday night without having to save 20 seats for your late friends cuz they’re buying semichki
  13. You don’t mind family get-togethers because you know the grandmas will be making dinner
  14. You know all the cops by their first names
  15. You know someone who works at a dental lab
  16. You are somehow related to most of the people you know
  17. On the weekends your place of residence is the pool hall, and every 10 mins the tolstii pon’chik tells you to pick up line 2
  18. You drive a Honda (or, in the EXTREME worse case a Nissan), and your windows are tinted to twice the legal limit
  19. Your Honda has either a RU (Russia) or UA (Ukraine) sticker on the back bumper
  20. Your Honda is a 5-speed stick shift, and you laugh at anyone driving an automatic by calling them lohs
  21. At any given moment you are carrying at least a dime bag of shmal’…
  22. Your uncle is in the Russian Mafia or is a former employee of the KGB
  23. You have been kicked out of the JCC at least twice for trying to sneak in without paying.
  24. You can be identified as “Russian” by your scent (D&G or Aqua de Gio cologne).
  25. The waitresses at Omega know your order even before you say anything. Most of the time you get “Gypsy”.
  26. You met your girl playing strip durak at the last party you went to.
  27. Everyone you know has a ruchka of smirnoff in their trunk.
  28. You wake up on a saturday morning, unable to remember which one of your friends gave you a ride home because you couldn’t even walk, but see your car standing in the parking lot (you drove home yourself).
  29. You start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka
  30. You know more than 30 Olgas, Annas, Natashas, and Vikas
  31. You have to tell your parents what channel is “YOUR” HBO, Showtime, Per-View is on.
  32. Your parents have computer “experience” for 8 years already on the resume, yet they been in US for only 4…
  33. You major in Computer Science or in worst case scenario Information Systems (but you still barely know how to turn on a computer).
  34. You have a personalized license plate.
  35. When you are going downtown you ride in one of the last two train carts.
  36. Typical Friday/Saturday night phone call to your friends starts with “So what are we doing tonight?”
  37. Most of your clothes are fake brand names but you “just can’t tell them apart from the real ones.”
  38. Your fake id is the International Driving License who you got through your friend who goes to Kingsburough.
  39. You used to work out, but you don’t anymore. If you do workout, you must wear all you golden chains and bracelets.
  40. Lifting a cigarette while drinking coffee counts as an exercise.
  41. You have a fake Movado because you can’t afford a real Rolex.
  42. Once in a while you attempt to go to synagogue but you never make it past the door because you meet so many people you haven’t seen for so long.
  43. Some English words like “use, shop, apply, and etc.” permanently become a part of your conversational
  44. You’re proud to be Russian - and you pass these jokes on to all your Russian friends!
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3 Replies

  1. Alex

    Jan 12th, 2007 at 5:45 pm

    HAHAHA I am russian, this is true, I love it!

  2. Katya

    Jul 23rd, 2007 at 3:26 pm

    soooo true. lol especially the last one, i sent it to a bunch of friends :P

  3. Vladimir

    Dec 11th, 2007 at 5:50 am

    Damn … I wish I were russian :( I have to be bulgarian:
    1. Your 15 year old sister can out-drink any American.
    2. At your wedding you know only about a third of the guests.
    3. At least one of your friends’ nickname is “Sasho”.
    4. Your father calls you a dummy for not knowing how to do something
    he can’t do either.
    5. You drive a better car than your parents.
    6. There is a 120-gallon barrel of wine and cabbage in your garage.
    7. There is more alcohol in your liquor cabinet than at the local b
    bar.
    8. You are 18 years old but your parents still call you by your
    sibling’s or pet’s name.
    9. You can hear your dad snoring from across the street.
    10. Your baba and diado live in your basement.
    11. Your dad carries around enough money to buy a car.
    12.Both your parents had to walk to school barefoot in the snow, 5 km
    uphill - both ways - and over rocks and they make sure to remind you
    every time you get in your car.
    13. There is at least one relative that your family refuses to talk to.
    14. Being someone’s best man really has no meaning.
    15. When you make jokes based on your own tragedy.
    16. Your church has a fully loaded bar.
    17. You don’t want to have or do any business with Bulgarians.
    18. Your parents have a shot of rakiya for breakfast.
    19. You started to drink at the age of 12.
    20. It takes over 8 years to finish college.
    21. You have a Bulgarian cross, flag, or icon, hanging from your rear
    view mirror.
    22. You base your whole life on the fortune in your coffee cup.
    23. You live with your mom and dad until you are married.
    24. Your mom tells you not to sit on cement or your ovaries will freeze.
    25. There is a slab of fat in your fridge called ’slanina.’
    26. When your baba will not accept the fact that you’re not hungry.
    27. You go to a restaurant and you bring your own drinks.
    28. You live for the annual soccer tournament.
    29. When your grandma insists that farting is healthy.
    30. All of your elderly acquaintances are scared of drafts.
    31. When you can hear your parents talking and you are across the street.
    32. When you’re a girl, and you dye your hair no other color than burgundy.
    33. Everyone is sure you’re Greek or Italian.
    34. No one has ever pronounced your name right, and every kid on the
    block has a different nickname for it.
    35. When you can always smell garlic on your parents breath and they
    insist that is kills bacteria.
    36. When no matter how old you are, your parents never say you’re right.
    37. When you’re 6′5 and 150 kg and your parents still think you are too
    skinny.
    38. When you’re hungry, and then you go and buy a pack of smokes.
    39. When your baba would rather walk 5 miles to the grocery store
    instead of pay a quarter to take the bus.
    40. When you have a chicken running in your back yard.
    41. You have a shot of rakiya followed by cherno kafe and a pack of
    Marlboro for breakfast.
    42. You sport the latest Nike and Adidas outfits but have never
    exercised in your life.
    43. You always have the latest mobile phone on the market.
    44. You can spend 3 hrs in a Cafe drinking the same cup of coffee.
    45. When your parents call relatives in Bulgaria and they have to
    shout to be heard.
    46. As soon as you tell a neighbor you’re Bulgarian they usually
    scream STOICKOV with a weird accent.
    47. When you’re married with kids and your mother still insists on
    cooking for you.
    48. When you beg a friend who’s going back to Bulgaria to buy you some
    “good” cigarettes.
    49. You know you’re Bulgarian when you’re 25, live on your own, and
    still sneak up the stairs when you get home at six in the morning.
    50. Your parents insist that piling blankets on you body is the way to
    cure your 102 degree fever.
    51. When you started going to clubs when you were 14.
    52. When you think chalga is good music.
    53. When you are never certain whether to stay abroad or return to
    Bulgaria. 54. You know you’re Bulgarian when your dad thinks everyone in China has a black belt.
    55. When people still think that you are from Bolivia no matter how
    many times you say you’re from Bulgaria.
    56. When your parents’ friends have no shame in telling you you’ve
    gained weight.
    57. You know you’re Bulgarian when all you have to do is sniffle and
    your parents say “uh-huh” and start yelling at you for getting sick.
    58. You move next door to a family member to be closer but then end up
    not talking to each other because of something stupid you said when
    you were drunk.
    59. YOU KNOW YOU’RE BULGARIAN WHEN YOU HAVE RUN AWAY FROM BULGARIA AND
    STILL SAY IT’S THE BEST PLACE TO LIVE…….

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