Homer Simpson quotes

  • “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy
    all kinds of useful things like…love!”
  • “Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend
    the rules a little in order to hold our own.”
  • “Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first
    time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way
    it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is,
    and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give
    me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this
    offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you,
    give me no sign. Thy will be done.”
  • “The strong must protect the sweet”
  • “Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without
    it?”
  • “Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look
    good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you
    can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”
  • “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
  • “Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal
    family.”
  • “I know what you’re saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted
    an electric football machine more than anything else in the world,
    and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of
    my life. Well, goodnight.”
  • “Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you
    or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked
    alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over
    for promotions time and again. And I say… This stinks!”
  • “D’oh!!!”
  • “That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough.
    I’m going to clown college!”
  • “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson
    is ‘never try’.”
  • “God bless those pagans.”
  • “I’m in a place where I don’t know where I am!”
  • “I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t….I mean s-m-A-r-t.”
  • “Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This
    Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s
    a sinner! Except this guy.”
  • “Mmmm, free goo.”
  • “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled
    child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”
  • “I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid
    off!”
  • “Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die
    all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow!
    Well, good night
  • “Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just
    plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest
    bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”
  • “Ha ha! Look at this country! ? R U Gay!? Ha ha!”
    (looking at Uruguay on the globe).
  • “Don’t mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.”
  • “Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”
  • “If you really want something in this life, you have to
    work for it – Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery
    numbers!”
  • “Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never
    mind!”
  • “Good drink… good meat… good God, let’s eat!”
  • “Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.”
  • “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is
    nuts.”
  • “Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do,
    someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed
    about for generations: You may outsmart someone!”
  • “I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before
    he invented the light bulb.”
  • “Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.”
  • “Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s
    piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough
    to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure…not
    even close.”
  • “Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I’d ever
    do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don’t care who I
    have to face, I don’t care who I have to fight, I will not rest
    until this street gets a stop sign!”
  • “If they think I’m going to stop at that stop sign, they’re
    sadly mistaken!”
  • “Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.”
  • “Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused
    more accidents around here than any other employee, including
    a few doozies no one every found out about.”
  • “No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they
    don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really
    half-assed.”
  • “Simpson-Homer Simpson, he’s the greatest guy in his-tor-y.
    From the town of Springfield, he’s about to hit a chestnut tree….D’oh!”
    (sung to the air of Flintstones theme song)
  • “Ignore the boy, Lord.”
  • “Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even
    though we don’t deserve it. I mean… our kids are uncontrollable
    hellions! Pardon my French… but they act like savages! Did You
    see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did… You’re everywhere,
    You’re omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?”
  • “You know Moe, my mom once said something that really
    stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you’re a big disappointment’,
    and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.”
  • “When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t
    at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!”
  • “Trying is the first step towards failure.”
  • “America’s health care system is second only to Japan…
    Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, … well all of Europe. But you
    can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay!”
  • “What’s the point of going out, we’re just going to end
    up back here anyway?”
  • “Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.”
    (to aliens who abducted Simpson family)
  • “I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals
    flaming.”
  • “The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach
    a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of
    those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure
    everyone feels exactly the same way you do.”
  • “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised
    I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that
    at the age of four.”
  • “And there’s nothing wrong with hitting someone when his
    back is turned.”
  • “Being popular is the most important thing in the world!”
  • “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated
    and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have
    that might be extracted for our personal use.”
  • “Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of
    that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all
    thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That
    alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.”