Funny Answering Machine Messages

  • A is for academics, B is for beer.  one of those reasons is why we’re not here.  So, leave a message.
  • Hello. This is Ralph: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you did not lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
  • Hi. Now you say something.
  • I am not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
  • Hello. I am Stan’s answering machine. What are you? If you leave a message, I will call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I will call sooner!
  • Hi! Fred’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator, speaking. Please speak very slowly, and I will stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
  • Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need aluminum cladding, double-gazing, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
  • This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, do not say anything. Simply think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I will think about returning your call.
  • Hi. I am probably home. I am just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
  • Hi, this is Frank. I am sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
  • If you are a burglar, then we are sitting in this house right now, cleaning our weapons, and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home, and it’s safe to leave a message.
  • Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
  • Hello, who am I, again?
Chocolate as art, Cute baby stills, Early computer and software ads, Mother-in-law’s choice, Amuzing sandwiches, Explain THAT to your insurance company, Food sculptures, Windows, In-laws, Computers contrast, Worlds smartest man, 7 things that would happen if you were a computer, Talented engineer, 30 signs that technology has taken over your life, Microsoft landing, Golfing, 19 recommendations from men to women, Careful what you wish for, If men were in charge of weddings, Two new additions to periodic table of elements, 29 rules of dating for women, Women talking, men hearing, Doctor’s help, How to read personal ads from women, Guest at a hotel, First date, Death Row in Women’s Prison, 12 things men know, Top male occupations, Car accident, What guys really mean, Las Vegas, Why married couples do not have sex, Letter from Wal-Mart, Dusty Underwear, Men and Women, Soup, Anniversary, University, New studio, Solid marriage, At the altar, Chances to get married, One kiss, Injury, 35 Predictions from 50’s, Top 10 signs your company is going to downsize, Top 10 signs you have eaten too much, 23 headlines of 2050, 53 signs you might have a drinking problem, 39 Headlines of the year, Let’s kill a bicycle repairman, 36 world’s smallest books, Commuting to work, Florist mixup, Job interview, Jamaica, The Weigh Scale, An expensive barbie doll, Psychology class, New driving test, Beautiful nature? No, just food, 34 Pacific Northwest jokes, 16 Montana rules, You know it’s July in Florida, Public school teacher, Great experiment, Laboratory, Thermometer, Poor man’s virus, Being old has some perks, Wrong bank, Definition of words used by women, 21 reasons why men are happier, Thoughtful husband, Four food groups for students, Gentlemen quiz, Blonde at a strip mall, Car hangers, Beach exercise, Wal-Mart announces house brand wine, Journey on a train carriage, Divorced barbie, Anxious cab driver, 75 things to do in a car, 8 Ways to be annoying in Australia, 554 ways to be annoying, Before and after marriage, Stoping a taxi, Eleven new drugs for women, Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary, The ten most wanted men, Think you have a cold day?, Secluded vacation, Witty ads from around the world, Cute babies, Perfect timing!, 15 ways to tell if someone is a teenager, Texas justice, 12 Lawyer Joke, Josh Groban | Noel

No Comments

Leave a Comment


trackback address


Browse by category

Latest new jokes

Getting Over Your Ex - Are You Over Your Ex?
Halitosis Treatments - There are some conditions known to cause halitosis, such as periodontal disease and abscesses. Routine dental care can help to identify such problems. For most individuals, however, halitosis isn't caused by a medical condition. Instead, it is simply t
Bronx Home Custom Home Theatres - The strength of a home theatre system is decided before any component has been hooked up and tested. It begins with product knowledge and technical expertise. For the many Bronx consumers who want custom home theatres, component choices (especially when
Vitamin B Complex - B-Complex Vitamins