- “Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything,
Kent. 14% of people know that.”
- “Don’t worry, son. I’m sure he’s up in heaven right now laughing
it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph
Stalin.” (on death of cat).
- “And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides,
every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of
my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and
I forgot how to drive?”
- “I won’t sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I’m
lazy! I’m going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping
ba- uh, goodnight.”
- “It’s like something out of that twilighty show about that
zone.”
- “Yes, honey…Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little
ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit
the referee with the whiskey bottle.”
- “OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and
if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!”
- “Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?”
- “Kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential
murderers.”
- “No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.”
- “Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.”
- “Well, I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna
be a league bowler!”
- “They have the Internet on computers, now?”
- “Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything
that’s even remotely true!”
- “When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces,,…I
just know they’re about to jab me with something.”
- “Son, this is the only time I’m ever gonna say this. It is
not okay to lose.”
- “Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women.
You just have to read the manual and press the right button.”
- “If something is to hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.
- “Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You”
- “All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling
one of my livers. I can get by with one.”
- “Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me
the woman – and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally
wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort
thing.”
- “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
- “Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”
- “Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t,
it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling
and foxy boxing and such and such.”
- “Aw, Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a
very old man, and old people are useless.”
- “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,
but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
- “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re
prejudiced against all races.”
- “Here’s to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of
life’s problems.”
- “I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to
not going to Church!”
- “If this were really a nuclear war we’d all be dead meat
by now.”
blog comments powered by
Interesting sites
Joke archives