That was funny

In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave [...]

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I’m suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night [...]

One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet either.

DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA’S WORT Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers [...]

I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
Today is our what?
Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
I thought we only celebrated important events?
You can celebrate anniversaries [...]

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him [...]