That was funny

How to identify a Canadian driver:
1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in [...]

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend [...]

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
How much for engineer brain?
Three dollars for one hundred grams.
How much for doctor brain?
Four dollars for one hundred grams.
How much for [...]

If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
Foods [...]

As soon as other people get in, start listening to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
After staring at the floor numbers, put a voice on that is straight out of The Omen and declare to everyone else in the lift, “Thirteen is my favorite number…”
See if you can get a Mexican wave started.
Ask each passenger [...]

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? - Fifteen. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? - One to change it, and fifteen to form a support group.
How many [...]

You had a Swatch watch.
You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block.
You wanted to be on Star Search.
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
You can name at least half of the members of the Brat Pack.
You wore a banana clip.
You wore slap on wrist [...]

Then there was the elderly gentleman who had serious hearing problems for years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitter for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to heat 100%.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is [...]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?
He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.
Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?
He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.
Oh, how terrible! I am almost afraid to [...]

Read your book upside down.
Read your book from right to left, flipping the pages that way to make it obvious.
Grab a 1000-page book, thump it down, and begin reading - flipping a page every two seconds.
Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.
Break the silence by making a noise as if you [...]