That was funny

Dear Employee,
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by [...]

Plumber:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”
Sign at the psychic’s hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
At a laundry shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new [...]

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…
What was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day!….
Too bad no one likes your wife.”
“How could two people as beautiful as you….
have such an ugly baby?”
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love….
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I [...]

Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil’s Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dot
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in ‘em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z’s
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
A Decimal Point = I’m a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven [...]

NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
IT’S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks [...]

George W. Bush’s reputation isn’t in having a stellar command of the English language. Here are some examples to concrete this reputation, and frankly, they are royal screw ups…
“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.”
…George W. Bush, Jr.
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
…George W. Bush, Jr.
“Republicans understand [...]

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get [...]

Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start!
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Q. What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the [...]

A Traditional Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
An American Corporation
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a [...]