Longevity
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Making Wedding Plans
Stanley and Martha, 94 and 86 respectively, are excited about their decision to get maried and decide to go for a stroll to discuss their wedding plans. On the way, they pass a drugstore and Stanley suggests they go in. “Are you the owner?” Stanley asks the man behind the counter. “Yes, I am,” the [...]
Exhausted
Newlyweds, Luke and Mary, spent their wedding night at a hotel. The following morning, Mary’s closest friend, Lynda, came over and asked them how their wedding night went. “I’m so exhausted,” Mary said. “All night long it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out.” Misunderstanding her, an embarrased Lynda [...]
Favorite Flower
A middle-aged woman convinced her husband to attend a couples retreat. At the first session, the facilitator said, “The fact is, no matter how long we’ve been married, there are many things we don’t know about each other. For example, how many of you husbands can name your wife’s favorite flower?” The husband smiled knowingly, [...]
Sex Calories
How much weight do we lose during sex? Diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable. Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that [...]
Special Cheesecake
One of my co-workers decided it was time to shed some excess weight. She took her new diet so seriously that she even changed her driving route to avoid her favorite bakery. One morning, however, she arrived at work carrying a gigantic cheesecake. We all scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic. “This is a [...]
Redneck Couple
Billy-Bob and Peggy-Sue got married and had a baby every year or less. After having their 11th child, the couple told the doctor that they were going to stop having babies as soon as they could figure out what was causing them. The doctor suggested to Billy-Bob that he try covering the organ before they [...]
Economical Traveler
A Scotsman left on a long trip across the country, taking a train the entire length of the line. At each station along the way, he insisted that he had to get off of the train to buy a new ticket. He chose to not buy a ticket to his final destination, but just one [...]
Timetable
Traveller: “What’s the good of you having a doggone timetable if your trains never stick to it?” Conductor: “Well sir, it’s just a courtesy so you KNOW when we’re running late!”