That was funny

This is it, I don’t have another car.
Warning! I brake for hallucinations.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
My son isn’t an honor student. He plays poker.
So many pedestrians so little time.
Subvert the dominant paradigm.
This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
Today’s mood: Irritable.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Welcome to California. Now go home.
When everything is [...]

NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance [...]

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give [...]

Russian and American are talking over a drink. “When I am in a good mood I drive a car that is painted a light color,” says the American.  When I am busy or have a lot of troubles, I drive a darker colored car. And when I go for vacation overseas, I pick a brightly [...]

A is for academics, B is for beer.  one of those reasons is why we’re not here.  So, leave a message.
Hello. This is Ralph: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you did not lend me [...]

To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt.  If you don’t know how to operate one, you probably should not be out in public unsupervised.
As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be [...]

Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
I Don’t Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You)
I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield of Life
You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
My Wife Ran Off With My Bes Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause [...]