The Helpful Husband
An elderly woman was caught shoplifting. The store owner thought she had been shoplifting for some time, and finally caught her at it. At trial, she pleaded guilty and threw herself on the mercy of the court. The judge asked, “What did you steal?” “A can of peaches.” “Why did you steal them?” “I am [...]
We Deliver
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. “Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed [...]
College entrance exam for football players
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify. 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a [...]
The Things That Prove You Are A New Yorker
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long [...]
English Language
So of course it’s difficult to learn the English language…….and learning to spell can be pure guess work… a. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. b. A backward poet writes inverse. c. A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. d. Dijon vu – the same mustard [...]
Bad Relationships
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.” “Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend. “Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another [...]
The Crowded Store
It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be [...]
Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. ‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.’ Watson replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’ ‘What does that tell you?’ Watson ponders for a minute. ‘Astronomically [...]
Bad Memory
A frustrated wife tells her friend, “I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!” Her friend replies, “Why would you want to divorce him for that?” The wife says, “Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he’s married!”
Lost Bag
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.” The boy [...]