Time Gets Better With Age
I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night.” Age 5 I learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7 I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9 I learned [...]
Man of The House
A man had just finished reading the book Man of the House while riding the commuter train home from work. When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, “From now on I want you to know that I am [...]
25 Years of Marriage
A man married 25 years took a look at his wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice [...]
Resume Mistakes
“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.” “Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.” “Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.” “I’m a rabid typist.” “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”
How Many Programmers?
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, that’s a hardware problem!
Husband’s Great Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor [...]
Waiting Room
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, “Congratulations you’re the father of twins!” He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.” The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, [...]
Programmer and The Frog
A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back [...]
The Dentist
One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars, ” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount, ” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well, ” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock the price [...]
Real Women vs. Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete’s sake. You’re probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, [...]