That was funny

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I’m suffocating.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.
Before - He makes me feel like a [...]

“Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!”
“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
“This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
“Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”
“They told me at the blood bank this might [...]

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES -
NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. [...]

 Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I [...]

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”, you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn”. Your boss was standing [...]

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. “I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”
The desperate customer turned to [...]

A man came home from work and sat in his recliner, happy to be home and relaxing after a long and hectic day at the office.
He called to his wife, “Honey, bring me a beer before it starts.”
Somewhat irritated but willing to fulfill her hard-working husband’s wish, she got a beer from the refrigerator and [...]

 A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
Although she wasn’t familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. [...]

 You haven’t asked yet.
 I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
 Because I just love hearing this question.
 Just lucky, I guess.
 It gives my mother something to live for.
 My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
 I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
 Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
 I’m [...]

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and [...]