That was funny

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the [...]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s [...]

 A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got [...]

“Florida to Be Readmitted to Union”
“Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock”
“Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen”
“Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were “Just For Fun”
“Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President”
“Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. “This Is True Love,” He [...]

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers — but imagine if they did … 
CALL #1:
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
HELPLINE: “Did you put [...]

 A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue [...]

What Women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds [...]

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.
I noticed their Disney password was “GoofyMickeyMinniePluto” and so I asked why it was so long.
“Because,” my son explained, “they said it had to have at least four characters.”

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men … Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen
Warning: I Have An Attitude And [...]

- Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
- Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off [...]