Brainwashed
On the phone with a programmer friend of mine recently, I noticed a couple of times he said complimentary things about Microsoft. I didn’t understand why until he mentioned, later in the call, that he’d been taking some Microsoft technical classes recently. A few minutes later he again said something nice about Microsoft and I [...]
Bad Soldier
One of Microsoft’s finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and [...]
How to Identify Drivers
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:BOSTON One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat [...]
Computers Changed Everything
An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public, [...]
How to Confuse People in the Computer Lab
Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “NO!!! They’ve found me!” and bolt. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. Before anyone [...]
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Engineering
10. Did you order enough 2 inch nipples? 09. Shaft alignment is critical. 08. How’d your penetration test turn out? 07. Did you have an unplanned release? 06. Did your relief’s blow at the right pressure? 05. There was a crack in the girth? 04. We’re gonna pump it ’til it fractures, then fill it [...]
Ways to Cope With Stress
1. Put miniature marshmallows in your ears, hum off-key loudly 2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa. 3. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans. 4. Make a list of things to do that you have already done. 5. Fill out your tax form using Roman [...]
Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline” If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line [...]