That was funny

I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy, thinking he’d think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I came in to [...]

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen [...]

A WOMEN’S PERSPECTIVE
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of5 thinks of having children. What does a man of5 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate [...]

What a woman says:
Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are
on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do laundry now!
What a man hears:
C’MON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES [...]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends [...]

1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house.
(Hide them well.)
2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet
of its favorite treats
4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains,
innocently [...]

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow…
Wedding plans “take care” of themselves.
You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a [...]

10. “Anybody see ‘Ally McBeal’ last night?”
9. “I’ll see your software bundle and raise you a $500
thumbtack.”
8. “Where do I want to go today? Same as yesterday–steaks.”
7. “It’s not a ‘goofy wire.’ It’s a perky, animated paperclip,
and Bill happens to like it.”
6. “Now [...]

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in
Chinatown.
He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.
He asks the owner “how much”, and the owner replies “$50 for the bronze
rat, and $1000 for the story behind it”.
The guy says, “forget the story”, and buys the rat.
As he’s walking down the street [...]

1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet
it’s hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality [...]