That was funny

Fry: “Maybe he has a parasite.”
Hermes: “Maybe he is a parasite.”
Bender to Zoidberg: “You’re looking less nuts, crabby.”
Leela: “It’s amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.”
Zoidberg: “Love? That word is unknown here. I’m simply looking for a female
swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material.”
Fry: “You and me both, brother.”
Fry: “Make up [...]

Cartman:: How ’bout we sing, ‘Kyle’s Mom is a stupid bitch’ in D Minor.

Cartman:: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman:: I’m not fat. I’m big-boned.
Stan:: No, Jay Leno’s chin is big-boned. You are a big, fat ass.

Stan:: You can’t just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, FatAss.
Cartman:: [...]

Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty’s ass, and I’ll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I’m just sayn’, man, seriously, don’t mess with kitty, man.

Mr. Garrison:: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my [...]

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
IN PRISON…you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…you get rewarded for [...]

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…
I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the [...]

Reasons computers must be male
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
[...]

If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we [...]

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account
Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public, you’d be in jail for awhile!
Log [...]

My new work philosophy:
Always give 100% at work…
* 12% on Mondays
* 23% on Tuesdays
* 40% on Wednesdays
* 20% on Thursdays
* 5% on Fridays

What they really mean when they say . . .
“COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY” We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME [...]