That was funny

The world’s first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
“Good [...]

Bender: “One of you will have to fill in for me while I’m gone.”
Professor Farnsworth: “Better yet, I’ll build someone to fill in for you.
Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with
freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal…”
The boss: “Get a load of ball bearings on this guy.”
Bender: “You know the secret [...]

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or [...]

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the [...]

T’was a month before Christmas From my wife came the wail,
“Take out the garbage And go get the mail.”
So I trudged to my mailbox And what did I see?
Why, a miniature disc And computer CD!
‘Twas a [...]

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except father’s mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As father did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung next the modem with care
In the [...]

Twas the night before finals, And all through the college,
The students were praying For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns, A few were still [...]

Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good
captain can’t have either one. That’s why cold, logical Bender
is perfect for the job.
Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
Paul: If rubbin’ frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey,
I don’t wanna be right.
Give a hoot-o
Don’t pollute Pluto
Leela: Bender’s flying too low! And [...]

Kevin: My waffle’s done! My waffle’s done!
Mrs. McCormick: Now, Kevin, we ain’t got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.
Cartman: Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?

Cartman: Kenny’s family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Cartman: Yeah! I want Cheesy Poofs!

Cartman: Poor people [...]

Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
Professor: No. Why would I know that?
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool.
Zoidberg: It’s funny. You live in the universe by you
never do these things ’til someone comes to visit.
Fry: So, there’s an infinite number of parallel universes?
Professor: No, just [...]