That was funny

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.
“Sounds like [...]

1. There would be a “Rehearsal Kegger” rather than a “Rehearsal Dinner.”
2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jeans cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines.
3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. (My fiance threatened to [...]

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly [...]

What a Woman Says:
“This place is a mess! C’mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don’t do laundry right now
you’ll have no clothes to wear.”

What a Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, [...]

40-ish…………………………49
Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends
Athletic……………………….No boobs
Average looking……………..Ugly
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…………..On medication
Feminist……………………….Fat
Free spirit……………………..Junkie
Friendship first……………….Former slut
Fun…………………………….Annoying
Gentle…………………………Dull
New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded…………………Desperate
Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk
Poet……………………………Depressive
Professional…………………..Bitch
Romantic………………………Frigid
Voluptuous……………………Very Fat
Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker
Widow…………………………Murderer

Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.
Men know never [...]

The Doctor because he says, “Take off your clothes”
The Dentist because he says, “Open Wide”
The Hairdresser because he says, “Do you want it teased or blown”
The Milkman because he says, “Do you want it in front or in back?”
The Interior Decorator because he says, “Once you have it all in, you’ll love it.”
The Banker because [...]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be [...]

When you catch a guy glancing at you, he’s actually wondering what you look like naked.
When a guy bumps into your arm while walking with you, it means your too damn close so back up 3 steps.
When a guy wants a hug he’ll go to the nudy bar and buy a lap dance.
When u break a guys heart he [...]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” he asked.
“To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!”
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. “What do [...]