Careful what you wish for
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man. “Sounds [...]
If men were in charge of weddings
1. There would be a “Rehearsal Kegger” rather than a “Rehearsal Dinner.” 2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jeans cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines. 3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors. (My fiance threatened to have his and his [...]
Two new additions to periodic table of elements
Element name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic weight: (don’t even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able [...]
Women talking, men hearing
What a Woman Says: “This place is a mess! C’mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don’t do laundry right now you’ll have no clothes to wear.” What a Man Hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, [...]
How to read personal ads from women
40-ish…………………………49 Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends Athletic……………………….No boobs Average looking……………..Ugly Beautiful………………………Pathological liar Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure…………..On medication Feminist……………………….Fat Free spirit……………………..Junkie Friendship first……………….Former slut Fun…………………………….Annoying Gentle…………………………Dull New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded…………………Desperate Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk Poet……………………………Depressive Professional…………………..Bitch Romantic………………………Frigid Voluptuous……………………Very Fat Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker Widow…………………………Murderer
12 things men know
Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house. Men know that if she looks like your mother, run. Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the [...]
Top male occupations
The Doctor because he says, “Take off your clothes” The Dentist because he says, “Open Wide” The Hairdresser because he says, “Do you want it teased or blown” The Milkman because he says, “Do you want it in front or in back?” The Interior Decorator because he says, “Once you have it all in, you’ll [...]
Car accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must [...]
What guys really mean
When you catch a guy glancing at you, he’s actually wondering what you look like naked. When a guy bumps into your arm while walking with you, it means your too damn close so back up 3 steps. When a guy wants a hug he’ll go to the nudy bar and buy a lap dance. When u break a [...]
Las Vegas
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” he asked. “To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!” The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. [...]