That was funny

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words ‘defeat,’ ‘deduct,’ ‘defense,’ and ‘detail.’ Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:
”Defeat of deduct went over [...]

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
Foods [...]

As soon as other people get in, start listening to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
After staring at the floor numbers, put a voice on that is straight out of The Omen and declare to everyone else in the lift, “Thirteen is my favorite number…”
See if you can get a Mexican wave started.
Ask each passenger [...]

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? - Fifteen. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? - One to change it, and fifteen to form a support group.
How many [...]

You had a Swatch watch.
You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block.
You wanted to be on Star Search.
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
You can name at least half of the members of the Brat Pack.
You wore a banana clip.
You wore slap on wrist [...]

Then there was the elderly gentleman who had serious hearing problems for years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitter for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to heat 100%.
The old man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is [...]

Read your book upside down.
Read your book from right to left, flipping the pages that way to make it obvious.
Grab a 1000-page book, thump it down, and begin reading - flipping a page every two seconds.
Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.
Break the silence by making a noise as if you [...]

This is it, I don’t have another car.
Warning! I brake for hallucinations.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
My son isn’t an honor student. He plays poker.
So many pedestrians so little time.
Subvert the dominant paradigm.
This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
Today’s mood: Irritable.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Welcome to California. Now go home.
When everything is [...]

A is for academics, B is for beer.  one of those reasons is why we’re not here.  So, leave a message.
Hello. This is Ralph: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you did not lend me [...]