That was funny

In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave [...]

I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
Today is our what?
Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
I thought we only celebrated important events?
You can celebrate anniversaries [...]

A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna [...]

“Artichokes … are just plain annoying … After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead.” — Miss Piggy
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years [...]

And I thought nothing could top Hormel’s pickled eggs …
8. Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for [...]

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said “Ya know Mahtha, Ah’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane”.
Every year Martha would say, “Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs”.
So [...]

‘You Were an Accident’
‘Strangers Have the Best Candy’
‘The Little Sissy Who Snitched’
‘Some Kittens Can Fly!’
‘The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion’
‘How to Dress Sexy for Grownups’
‘Getting More Chocolate on Your Face’
‘Where Would You Like to Be Buried?’
‘Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her’
‘The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North
Amer [...]

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words ‘defeat,’ ‘deduct,’ ‘defense,’ and ‘detail.’ Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:
”Defeat of deduct went over [...]

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
Foods [...]