That was funny

A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: “This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag.” Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note. So he left [...]

Teacher: What are the four main food groups?
Students: Canned, frozen, instant, and lite.

Wal-Mart announced today that they’ll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their [...]

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie [...]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do [...]

Fake carsickness.
Lean back in your seat on the person behind you.
Ask. Are we there yet? Every 5 Minutes.
Have arguments with someone in the car.
Stick your head out the window like a dog.
Sing with the radio loudly even if you don’t know the words.
Actually get carsick.
Play with every gadget you find in the car.
Have belching contests.
Accelerate [...]

In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave [...]

I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
Today is our what?
Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
I thought we only celebrated important events?
You can celebrate anniversaries [...]

A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna [...]

“Artichokes … are just plain annoying … After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead.” — Miss Piggy
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years [...]