That was funny

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; [...]

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
The World Guide to Good American Beer
Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
The [...]

A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read:
SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.
The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the flowers that [...]

Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. “Whatever you do,” cautioned one youngster to the other, “Don’t step on it!”
“Why not?” asked the sibling.
“Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!”

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”
The [...]

You know the state flower is mildew.
You know the state motto: “Rain? What rain?”
You have a T-shirt that says, “200 Billion Slugs Can’t Be Wrong!”
You use the term “sun break” and know what it means.
You open the windows in the summer to let the warm air in.
Your Early Girl tomatoes ripen in September.
Names like [...]

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.
2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are horses, cattle [...]

Hot water comes out of both taps.
You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.
The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
You burn your hand opening the car door.
The [...]

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
“You may have graduated but I’ve got many degrees”.

There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
Things that you buy now won’t wear out.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no [...]