Martha Stewarts Guide for Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed it’s time to change sheets. 5. Even if you’re CERTAIN that you are included in the will [...]
Things You’d Never Hear a Southern American Say
• I thought Graceland was tacky. • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. • Do you think my hair is too big? • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? • The tires on that truck are too big. • I’ve got it all on a floppy disk. • [...]
Birth Rate
An Alabama couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision — why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had [...]
Texas Figgers of Speech
1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY. Self-explanatory 2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE. Not very generous 3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE. All talk and no action 4. WE’VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN’T SHOOK YET. We’ve made a brief acquaintance but have not been formally introduced. 5. HE THINKS THE SUN [...]
Tacks
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says, ” I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack o’ dem rubbers gonna cost me? The pharmacist responds, “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.” To which the redneck replies, “TACKS! Gawd a’mighty,………..don’t they stay on by [...]
You know you’re a redneck if…
Redneck boat Redneck cat Redneck gingerbread house Redneck grill Redneck guest bedrooms Redneck Harley Redneck horseshoes Redneck lawn mower Redneck PDA Redneck pet carrier Redneck weather station Redneck wedding reception
What’s for Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building. The Mexican opened his [...]