That was funny

This student will go places:

1. “Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.”
2. “He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.”
3. “In class, the syllabus is more important than you are.”
4. “Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!”
5. “Text makes a satisfying ‘thud’ when dropped on the floor.”
6. “The class is worthwhile [...]

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the [...]

- That it didn’t matter how late I scheduled my first class; I’d sleep right through it.
- That I could change so much and barely realize it.
- That college kids throw airplanes too.
- That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you, “Why are you so dressed up?”
- That every clock on campus shows a [...]

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall,
and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk
toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, “When will the
girls and boys meet?” Mathematician: “Never.” Physicist: “In [...]

1.You can’t win.
2.You can’t break even.
3.You can’t quit the game.

Instructions
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.
History
Descrive the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively, on it social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
Medicine
You have been provided with a [...]

For those returning to school, here is an inside look at how professors grade their final exams:
Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are fitted to a normal curve.
Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes [...]

Psychology: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
Sociology: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
Religion: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God
Archaeology: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
Theatre: “OH MY GOD! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW [...]

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the [...]