554 ways to be annoying

  1. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
  2. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
  3. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  4. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  6. Sniffle incessantly.
  7. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  8. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
  9. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace.
  10. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
  11. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
  12. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  13. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
  14. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
  15. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
  16. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  17. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
  18. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
  19. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  20. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
  21. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
  22. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
  23. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
  24. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  25. Honk and wave to strangers.
  26. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
  27. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  28. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
  29. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
  30. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  31. Only type in lowercase.
  32. Don’t use any punctuation either
  33. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  34. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  35. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  36. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
  37. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
  38. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
  39. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  40. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  41. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  42. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
  43. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  44. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
  45. Ask people what gender they are.
  46. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  47. Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
  48. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  49. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  50. Change your name to “John Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book, claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
  51. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  52. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
  53. Wear a LOT of cologne.
  54. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
  55. Sing along at the opera.
  56. Mow your lawn with scissors.
  57. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
  58. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
  59. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
  60. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
  61. Never make eye contact.
  62. Never break eye contact.
  63. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
  64. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
  65. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
  66. Ask people to donate to your favorite charity–yourself.
  67. Explode a lot.
  68. Bring your puppy into fancy restaurants.
  69. Purposely crash into walls and insist it never happened.
  70. Slap someone every time they say “potato”.
  71. Sneeze on people.
  72. Bother people you don’t know.
  73. Accidentally misspell wurdz.
  74. Have an over-active imagination.
  75. Write a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, long sentence.
  76. Throw dishes at people when they talk too much.
  77. Tell people to shut up when they start to talk.
  78. Tell people to shut up when you think they might start talking.
  79. Bother people you don’t know by loudly ripping paper.
  80. Bounce objects off bald guy’s heads. (no offense to bald guys :))
  81. Tell people you’re from the future and that they will die within 24 hours.
  82. Then tell them again.
  83. And again.
  84. And one more time for good measure. But don’t overdo it.
  85. Overdo it anyway.
  86. Claim you have split personalities and argue with yourself.
  87. Then have your third personality join in.
  88. Steal people’s pens.
  89. Toss things out windows of a very tall building.
  90. Let your Yorkshire terrier chew the tar out of someone’s briefcase.
  91. Then in front of the owner give the dog a biscuit and tell it “good job, but you missed a spot.”
  92. Don’t bathe.
  93. Then tell people it’s a new fragrance from France.
  94. Laugh if they believe you.
  95. Don’t bathe your dog.
  96. And bring it to a wedding.
  97. Repeat rules 94-96 aloud to make people thing you’re psycho.
  98. Put a dog in your backpack and bring it to school, saying your dog ate your schoolbooks, so you couldn’t do your homework.
  99. Run around, screaming and flailing your arms like a lunatic.
  100. Collect animal eggs and store them in your medicine cabinet for nosy people to be surprised when they check it.
  101. Purposely make someone get an error and disconnect from AOL IM.
  102. Make people believe you’re an AOL hacker by having an evil address.
  103. Use the phrase “hehe” a lot.
  104. Lie about EVERYTHING and make it obvious that you are.
  105. Make up your own internet-ese and type it to people and see if they understand.
  106. Be really stupid.
  107. Make a list of annoying things.
  108. Use the same number twice.
  109. Ring people’s doorbells and say you’re from Publishers’ Clearing House, telling them they didn’t win a prize.
  110. Spin your head in circles.
  111. Smack people in the face and claim it’s an arm spasm.
  112. Skip numbers in a numbered list.
  113. Then add a number from out of nowhere.
  114. At restaurants, eat food off other people’s plates while they stare at you in amazement.
  115. Gain 200 pounds and order four pizzas from a pizza place, then insist on not paying because they were ten seconds late.
  116. Visit a friend and replace all their silverware with chopsticks.
  117. Bring fast food into another restaurant.
  118. Steal the deal in euchre until someone notices.
  119. Play 52-card pickup by yourself in front of everyone.
  120. On every scrap of paper you find, scribble “Happy Valentine’s Day” and give it to people.
  121. Scatter camouflaged objects all over the floor and laugh at people that trip.
  122. Take off your socks and toss them randomly around your house, and take note of who passes out.
  123. Throw a party at a friend’s house while he/she are gone, leave a mess, then insist it was a surprise party. “Surprise! We trashed your house!”
  124. Strew fly paper all over the floor in the public restroom.
  125. Talk in a really high-pitched voice.
  126. Never change the tone of your voice This means no feeling emphasis emotion or punctuation of any kind
  127. Prop your feet up on a computer desk and insist you type with your feet.
  128. End all your sentences with question marks?
  129. Play golf with a friend, and launch all his/her golf balls into a lake, one after the other.
  130. Add another annoying thing to the end of this list every time you receive it, and send it to everyone you know, including the person that sent this to you.
  131. Go burn the Puerto Rican flag.
  132. Go to Lebanon, and burn their flag while claiming that you’re a member of Hammas.
  133. Yell out “that’s gotta hurt” every time that someone dies in a movie.
  134. Swat at the air for no reason so people will think that you’re crazy.
  135. When you go to shake someone’s hand, sniff them for no reason.
  136. Talk with a Russian accent.
  137. Put. periods. after. all. words.
  138. Don’tputspacesbetweenwords.
  139. Or forget rules 132-135 and imitate every action of the most recent Seinfeld.
  140. Try putting a CD in the slot for a 3.5″ floppy and then say, “It doesn’t fit.”
  141. Wear glitter eye shadow for no reason.
  142. Say “no?” after every sentence so the person you’re talking to doesn’t know whether to say “yes” or “no” or something else.
  143. Put your hair like Kramer’s for no apparent reason.
  144. In the middle of “Men in Black”, get up & scream, “BEAM ME UP, SCOTTIE!”
  145. Eat everything you see.
  146. Eat nothing you see.
  147. When people ask if they can have your phone number (or anything else of yours) say you’ll have to talk to your lawyer first.
  148. Ask people what the word “the” means.
  149. Ask strangers where babies come from.
  150. Ramble at people in Russian.
  151. If they understand you, knock them unconscious with a Wrench.
  152. Or a Candlestick.
  153. Or a Lead Pipe.
  154. Talk about soap opera characters as if they are real.
  155. Pretend video games are real.
  156. Chop down telephone poles.
  157. Drive a large vacuum down the road.
  158. Or try a ride-on lawn mower.
  159. Repeat something.
  160. Repeat something.
  161. Repeatedly give your friends lists of ways to be annoying.
  162. Make up unreasonable stories and try to get people to believe you.
  163. Sell iceboxes to people in Alaska.
  164. Take over the world.
  165. Show people that you can count to a million.
  166. Tell people you’ll be a DJ when you grow up.
  167. Purposely stand in someone’s way until they get the nerve to ask you to move.
  168. Laugh at everything someone says especially right in the middle of sentences.
  169. Laugh and point at someone for no reason.
  170. Stop talking in the middle of
  171. Erect a 50-foot billboard in front of your house.
  172. Insist that French West Africa still exists.
  173. Tell people that you are from the Afrika Corps.
  174. Tell people that you can’t do that because it is against your religion.
  175. Drive on the wrong side of the road.
  176. Don’t tip the guy who parks your car at an elegant restaurant.
  177. Tell people the truth (whether it is what they want to hear or not.).
  178. Put > symbols before all lines >in an e-mail.
  179. When walking down a sidewalk, walk into people. When they try to get out of the way, move in their way.
  180. Ask people questions as you walk with them.
  181. Launch bottle rockets into your neighbor’s yard and then declare war.
  182. .sdrawkcab etirW
  183. Drive into the back-ends of others and tell them that you thought that it was bumper cars.
  184. Dress in all one color.
  185. Ask people what they want to be when they grow up.
  186. Go to work with the flu.
  187. Burn fiction books.
  188. Have a powwow in Red Square.
  189. Cut down your neighbors’ trees and tell them that you are clearing the old growth so that there isn’t a forest fire.
  190. Don’t answer your phone.
  191. Don’t read your mail.
  192. Put no trespassing signs up in your yard.
  193. Pour “Lawn Be-gone” on your neighbor’s lawn.
  194. Park your car in the middle of the road so no one can get to where they want to go.
  195. Cut your grass at three in the morning.
  196. Wear a cowboy hat inside public buildings.
  197. Put plastic explosives inside the abandoned building down the street from where you live and set them off at three in the morning.
  198. Put zeros before numbers and tell people that they look good there.
  199. Shine very bright light into people’s eyes.
  200. Post bio-hazard signs in your yard.
  201. Pronounce numbers such as .4 as forty hundredths instead of four tenths.
  202. Send the same e-mail through 3 or 4 times.
  203. Send it through again.
  204. Ask someone the same question over, and over again. When they finally tell you to shut up and that you’ve asked them that question already ten times, tell them, “I was just going to ask you that.”
  205. Wear a “for sale” sign around your neck.
  206. Place a sign stating: “Could be radioactive” on your lawn.
  207. Bleach your hair, just so you can look stupid.
  208. Wear two-toned shoes.
  209. Tell people that there is a right way and a wrong way to eat a potato.
  210. Loan out empty pens.
  211. Type in bright green size 3 font.
  212. Put magnets up to disks; say that it is an experiment to see whether something will happen to it.
  213. Laugh at stuff that isn’t funny at all.
  214. Don’t laugh at stuff that is funny.
  215. When making a list of annoying things for your friend to edit, skip numbers so they have to create annoying things themselves.
  216. Call people, then hang up on them when they pick up.
  217. Wear sunglasses in the night.
  218. Make up jokes that make no sense whatsoever.
  219. Devise a plan to take over the world.
  220. Cough on others.
  221. Sneeze over, and over, and over again.
  222. Fall asleep while someone is talking to you.
  223. W
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  225. Go to bookstores to read their books without buying them.
  226. Change the rules in the middle of a game.
  227. Tell people to “Beware the ides of March.”
  228. Talk very loudly in public.
  229. Teach photosynthesis to your friends.
  230. Without words.
  231. Try to find an acute angle that doesn’t measure between 0 and 90 degrees.
  232. Walk really slowly.
  233. Sing in Gaelic or other strange languages.
  234. Slobber on tablecloths in restaurants.
  235. Whistle incessantly.
  236. Talk to people while they are concentrating on something else.
  237. Format all the disks in your house “for fun”.
  238. Type reports in some really strange font such as “French Script MT”.
  239. Don’t do what you are told to.
  240. abbr. wds (Abbreviate words).
  241. Point at people with extremely large ears.
  242. Park in the handicapped section and if you get a ticket, say that you are mentally handicapped and that’s probably why you parked there anyway.
  243. Pronounce words incorrectly.
  244. Talk during a movie.
  245. Cannonball into a 3-foot deep pool.
  246. Ring someone’s doorbell, then run away. When they answer the door, call them from your cellular phone.
  247. Write very very long run on sentences that can be very very confusing to read.
  248. Write stories in prose.
  249. Become nocturnal. Sleep in class.
  250. Write a poem about annoying things.
  251. When reading, pause briefly after each comma, period, semi-colon, or any other form of punctuation.
  252. Ignore people when they talk to you, and then start talking to them.
  253. Bring your 160-lb pig into a friend’s house, and laugh as it demolishes their house.
  254. Scream for absolutely no reason.
  255. Drop things.
  256. Buy a mansion, a Knife, a Rope, a Revolver, a Wrench, a Lead Pipe, and a Candlestick, and then invite six friends over for some fun.
  257. Play “Spot the Car” everywhere you go. Rules: when you see a car pass your vehicle, scream “THERE’S A CAR!” and if it’s not a car, then don’t yell. Especially fun with hyper people.
  258. Play hide-and-seek alone.
  259. Remodel every room in your house to look like a bathroom.
  260. Remodel every room in someone else’s house to look like a bathroom.
  261. Stare at someone across the room.
  262. Run into restaurants, insist that green Jell-O is after you and you need to hide in the kitchen.
  263. Tell people to “Watch where I’m going.”
  264. Read aloud at the library.
  265. Hold your own million-man march.
  266. Have a discussion over the Pythagorean Theorem.
  267. Watch and discuss boring movies.
  268. Bring your own condiments to restaurants for “sanitary reasons.”
  269. Perform the macarena.
  270. Escribe en espanol cuando todos no comprenden.
  271. Write a paper comprised entirely of footnotes/endnotes.
  272. Borrow your neighbor’s lawn mower in the winter.
  273. Have a bonfire indoors.
  274. Suck up to somebody.
  275. Spell potato like Dan Quayle.
  276. Become an architect and design a room with no doors.
  277. Scientifically discover the meaning of life.
  278. Wear a white coat and talk loudly to yourself.
  279. Send chain letters and sign your name.
  280. Go to a foreign country and tell people they talk funny.
  281. Smack people in the back and say you wanted to see if their face stuck that way.
  282. Write a paper comprised of cliches.
  283. Be a hyper junior high teacher that drinks too much Diet Coke (we’ll never forget you, Miss LeRoux!).
  284. Ride a pogo stick indoors.
  285. And wear a beanie.
  286. Break promises.
  287. Explain jokes.
  288. Create a shrine to some evil person.
  289. Write things that makes no sense.
  290. Reenact a war in your house.
  291. Tell people you’re a circus freak.
  292. Tell people you want to be a circus freak.
  293. Be a circus freak.
  294. Triple space a report or use size 28 font, or both.
  295. Fake your death.
  296. Search for a vaccine for stupidity.
  297. Give IOU’s as birthday presents.
  298. Use Word to draw a picture instead of paint.
  299. Say the word “Jeepers!” or “Golly!” after everything someone says.
  300. Steal things from your friends in front of their face.
  301. Promise you’ll return them, then follow rule 286.
  302. Breathe really loud.
  303. Test drive new cars just for fun.
  304. Write a very long book about some people in England and France.
  305. Make sure that the book has a stupid ending too.
  306. Sing along when listening to the radio.
  307. Carry around a briefcase in school.
  308. Wear a lot of make-up.
  309. Buy a siren and turn it on as you drive down the road.
  310. When people ask you questions, answer: “I can’t remember.”
  311. Loan people money and charge 25% interest per month.
  312. Make people sign a contract to borrow a pen.
  313. Randomly disconnect yourself from AOL.
  314. Ask idiot questions for spite.
  315. Ask people to get to the point because you’d rather not listen.
  316. Ask “What if” questions every 3 seconds.
  317. Scribble in someone’s books as if they were coloring books.
  318. Buy an Australian hockey team.
  319. Spell e-mail addresses wrong so people never get the message.
  320. IM someone every day.
  321. Define words using the word in the definition.
  322. Say “whoops” a lot.
  323. State the obvious.
  324. Say “Duh!” after everything someone says.
  325. Fire a 21 cannon salute at 3 in the morning
  326. Electrocute stuff.
  327. Randoly omt leters frm yor sentencs.
  328. Pretend to be a mime.
  329. Build a large steeple atop your house and ring the bell accordingly for every hour.
  330. Shine a large floodlight into your neighbor’s bedroom at two in the morning.
  331. Tell corny jokes to someone and guffaw at them until you cough and sputter all over the unlucky person.
  332. Be smarter than me.
  333. Be dumber than me.
  334. Pull coins out from unsuspecting victims’ ears.
  335. Drink fingernail polish for breakfast.
  336. Show everyone you know your “deformed frog collection” from Mrs. Yats.
  337. Make jokes about death and laugh as if they are hilariously funny.
  338. Shred your parent’s tax receipts before April 15.
  339. Wear neon pink spandex outfits everywhere.
  340. Go to the library, and randomly rearrange the books.
  341. Go to the bookstore, and randomly rearrange the books.
  342. Take all of the toilet paper in the restrooms out and use it to decorate your enemy’s trees.
  343. Make sure to get it up to the top.
  344. Make hand gestures about every 2 seconds while talking to someone.
  345. Spin in circles and get dizzy for an excuse to crash into people.
  346. Or simply crash into people.
  347. Chew on everything you find.
  348. Play poker in class/on the job.
  349. Stack the deck in euchre until someone realizes that you received three lone hands in a row.
  350. Play “20,000 Questions.”
  351. Invent a game that is so stupid and pointless that everyone wins and no one cares.
  352. Mumble to yourself while giving a presentation.
  353. Pause a second after every word and 5 seconds after every sentence while giving a report.
  354. Make advertisements about your family vacation.
  355. Invent a game that is so violent/messy that the contestants are unrecognizable after playing.
  356. Complain that “the game cheats.”
  357. Have five eights in your hand when playing crazy eights.
  358. Play B.S. with two people.
  359. Put two hotels on Boardwalk.
  360. Make Kings and Aces wild in poker.
  361. Blow up coral reefs.
  362. At 1:00 in the morning.
  363. Run boats into coral, and perhaps drops anchors on them.
  364. Be proud of it.
  365. Own a 55-gallon drum of poison.
  366. Put it on display.
  367. Pollute.
  368. Smile sweetly enough of cause tooth decay.
  369. Secede from your country.
  370. Count the number of annoying things you’ve done.
  371. Criticize these rules.
  372. Mow your lawn in the rain.
  373. Throw a gallon of ice cream in someone’s swimming pool.
  374. Question everything someone says.
  375. Create a bogus tourist attraction.
  376. Point the blame elsewhere.
  377. Take a vacation in a motorhome and call it camping.
  378. Install central air in your tent.
  379. Create a series about nothing and cancel it while it’s number one.
  380. Try to prove a postulate.
  381. Invent your own language.
  382. Never speak for yourself.
  383. Start a cult.
  384. Possess someone.
  385. Shoot your neighbor’s dog with a silver bullet and claim you thought it was a werewolf.
  386. Melt people without permission.
  387. Take the credit from someone.
  388. Write a mystery with no solution.
  389. Carry a Lead Pipe around.
  390. Show off a lot.
  391. Whine constantly.
  392. Cheer for people that do their homework correctly.
  393. Desperately search for ways to be annoying.
  394. Name your daughter Gertrude or some other old name.
  395. Use potato chips instead of poker chips.
  396. Eat the ante.
  397. Be too nice.
  398. Be too perfect.
  399. Drool in a book.
  400. Try to rub your eyes with your elbow.
  401. Tell people where to put their feet.
  402. Wear a 3 foot high hat everywhere.
  403. B. S. a report.
  404. Place arsenic with your spices.
  405. Don’ use he leer “”.
  406. Make a story with no point.
  407. Fish with dynamite.
  408. Hunt with dynamite.
  409. Build a house out of dynamite.
  410. Put it on the real estate market.
  411. Begin a franchise of shops that sell jewelry and frozen yogurt.
  412. Use the Wingdings font for anything and everything.
  413. Attempt to decode the Wingdings font.
  414. Set every clock you see ahead four hours.
  415. Create a rental movie of static.
  416. Tape a thumbtack to your doorbell.
  417. Encourage people to sleep on beds of pointy needles.
  418. Laugh aloud at a book.
  419. Laugh aloud at this book.
  420. Barge into a conversation.
  421. Constantly change the subject.
  422. Send e-mails one letter at a time.
  423. Send a friend a COD for his/her birthday.
  424. Tape episodes of “Barney and Friends.”
  425. Contradict yourself. No, don’t…
  426. Create a business card without owning a business.
  427. Yell at your TV when a contestant chooses the wrong letter on “Wheel of Fortune.”
  428. Ask questions you know no one can answer.
  429. Fake a hyperventilation.
  430. Never brush your teeth.
  431. Chew with your mouth open.
  432. Talk with food in your mouth.
  433. Scrape silverware against your teeth.
  434. Repeat phrase frequently.
  435. Smile smugly.
  436. Print 6 copies of everything.
  437. Change the default setting in word to Wingdings, size 3, yellow, with three inch margins all around.
  438. Pull pranks on May 1st because “April Fools Day is too predictable.”
  439. Ask people what their pet peeves are and then perform them.
  440. Ask too many questions.
  441. Yell really loud.
  442. Raise you voice five octaves when you’re annoyed.
  443. Talk inaudibly.
  444. Make excuses.
  445. Sue people. Waste our time. And your money.
  446. Torture people by hanging them by their toenails.
  447. Sink large ships.
  448. Tell people they are possessed by an evil entity.
  449. Point people in the wrong direction.
  450. Jump on someone else’s bed.
  451. Serve pink chicken.
  452. Return restaurant food because it’s too plain.
  453. Refuse to pay a restaurant bill.
  454. Break everything in a restaurant.
  455. Find flaws in people.
  456. Prove people wrong.
  457. If you can’t, insist they’re wrong anyway.
  458. Build and open another McDonalds.
  459. Put someone out of business.
  460. Settle disputes by dueling.
  461. Tell people they’re rude.
  462. Forget everything.
  463. Be greedy.
  464. Scare people.
  465. Be sarcastic. It’s fun.
  466. Be gullible.
  467. Wash your car in the rain.
  468. Constantly chew on tin foil.
  469. Say it’s good for you.
  470. Write “Kick me” on the backs of someone’s shirt.
  471. Be completely ignorant of the world.
  472. Shove people out of trees.
  473. Shove people down stairs.
  474. While they’re in a wheelchair.
  475. Sit outside in the dead of winter under pine trees.
  476. Pour acid on your lawn so weeds don’t grow.
  477. Name any and all of your children Gene Finny.
  478. Name someone so their initials spell a word.
  479. Accuse people of being insane.
  480. Or be insane yourself.
  481. Run like Forrest Gump.
  482. Jump hurdles in the snow.
  483. Wave your crutches at everyone you know–or don’t know.
  484. Tell people to “hurry.”
  485. Or “hurry faster.”
  486. Tell people to run while they’re wearing skis.
  487. Ask everyone who Crispian is and why he has scars.
  488. Fake a world War.
  489. Speak in Latin.
  490. Wear a tie as a belt.
  491. Hold your own Olympics.
  492. With trash cans and snowshoe races.
  493. In the summer.
  494. Demand people call you psycho.
  495. Then say they’re lying.
  496. Mispronounce someone’s first name.
  497. Curl up and sleep in the snow.
  498. In the summer.
  499. Applaud for no reason.
  500. Make people write critical analyses for no reason.
  501. Compare and contrast people in different works for no reason.
  502. Own a dozen empty ink pens.
  503. Hide behind dead bushes in the winter.
  504. Convince people you are invisible.
  505. Change writing utensils in the middle of a paper.
  506. Mock a courtroom.
  507. Be a biased judge.
  508. Pick unripened fruit and sell it.
  509. Sell heaters in Arizona.
  510. Lend pencils with broken leads.
  511. Insist they don’t sharpen them.
  512. Wear down the tips on markers.
  513. Take all the lead out of borrowed mechanical pencils.
  514. Assume all girls are named Sally and all boys are Fred.
  515. Lock yourself out of your car.
  516. Use duct tape to repair everything.
  517. Call authority figures by first name.
  518. Always assume.
  519. Always plead the Fifth Amendment.
  520. Ignore lawn maintenance.
  521. Protest violence with bombs and 55-gallon tanks of cyanide.
  522. Spit at people.
  523. Step on the backs of people’s shoes.
  524. Watch a movie and see it again, telling people what will happen.
  525. Print reports on black construction paper.
  526. Jump on you neighbor’s trampoline when you have your own.
  527. Have an idiot sister.
  528. That is also a brat.
  529. Attack people with glue.
  530. Send hate mail and sign your name on it.
  531. Disorganize someone.
  532. Force people to read this.
  533. Practice faking an injury in front of someone.
  534. Then really get injured.
  535. Cry “wolf” in down town New York.
  536. Smack people with rulers.
  537. Tap pens on desks.
  538. Copy copyrighted things.
  539. Run amok.
  540. Stand someone up.
  541. Pretend you know complete strangers.
  542. Treat someone out to dinner, but with a five dollar budget.
  543. Read these aloud over and over.
  544. Laugh every time.
  545. Get people in trouble for no reason.
  546. Hold down computer keys.
  547. Rip the last 10 pages out of every book.
  548. At movie theaters when someone asks you if they can sit in the seat besides you, start screaming that you friend is sitting there.
  549. During math class say, “I don’t understand.”
  550. Then say it again.
  551. Catch a cold and sniff incessantly.
  552. Lock your sister or brother out of your house- leaving a note that says, “HA! HA! You can’t get in.”
  553. When you call your friends and they aren’t home, start conversations with their parents.
  554. Run around your neighborhood screaming at the top of your lungs, “HE is here, because I failed HIM!!”
  555. Never let anyone know what he or she wants to know.